Thursday, April 30, 2009

An award and the Halfway Point!!! (ultrasound photos and belly shot included)

My sweet friend Roe sent me a darling little blog award! Man do I love my Scrappy sisters over at Have Your Way With Paper! Thank you Roe!
And now to pay it forward...I'd like to award:

Well deserved ladies!

I had my big level 2 ultrasound today and let me tell you - I am so in love with this little guy that it is simply amazing. I had a regular appointment too - lost another three pounds but Joe is doing great so they aren't concerned. My dad surprised me and was able to come even though he didn't think he was going to be able to and we got to see Joseph up close and personal. All four chambers of his heart were busy pumping blood, he was kicking and playing with the umbilical cord and stretching his tiny little spine out. He weighs almost a pound now and is 7 inches long. What a blessing ultrasounds are! To get to put a little face on this tiny life. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you. Jeremiah 1:5"

Here are a couple of photos that I got to take with me...Awwww...

Sucking his thumb
20 week thumbsuck

His tiny little toes
Little feet

And yes...I know Joseph - you are still a boy (with a hand next to his leg)
Still a boy

Josie took this last weekend when I was exactly 19.5 weeks or totally halfway. I'm getting to be more baby than me (finally!)

AND - I already have the last ultrasound photos scrapped - go me!...

This weekend is National Scrapbook Day (May 2nd) so keep a lookout next week for some more creations from my table!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just Walk

Today has been one of "those days" starting off just fine with a happy smilely little boy, the sun peeking in through my bedroom window and filling my room with light but my whole body just ached, my head hurt and getting out of bed was the real struggle even though I knew Thursdays were essential to my business. So I successfully launched myself out of bed, got bathed while my son got himself dressed (without a fight I might add) and headed out the door...

Well, I made it as far as the intersection at Hubbel and Broadway before I had to pull over and add "Owner of Scary Trucker Motel" to my list of "People I get to Meet while Pulling Over to Get Sick." Yum. Needless to say - that didn't help the fatigue OR the headache, but still I plugged along through the first half of my day (amount of productivity yet to be determined).

Blessedly, lunch break came around and I went to my secret sleeping/reading place and instantly was out for a little over an hour! I woke up feeling better and spent the rest of my extended lunch break (since I stay late on Thursdays) reading "The Shack" and my lessons for the week, man that always makes me feel better...the things I read always have a way of lifting me up and making me shift my thinking just a little bit. So today here is what I got out of today's session.

We were made to be loved and when we forget that is when we fall. We are meant to walk together as a unit with no heirarchy, no superiority, no chain of command. We are called to walk, without questioning and trust that God will guide our path, it is when we take our eyes off His will that we start to sink - like Peter walking on the water.

I read that story again for the first time today wishing that I had the fortitude of faith to step out of the boat and onto the water in the first place but all I can do at this point is Just Walk. Take one step at a time and trust that the next one will have sure footing under it. (or at least that there will be someone to catch me if I slip and fall). I can't fear what the future will hold because anything that I dream up at this point is not least not yet... I just have to trust and have faith that the next step that I take will be on the right path and not let myself take my eyes off of the goal.

Maybe that is why all of this is happening to me now - why I need to be alone - to discover these truths and use them to set things right. As I read, I come across so many things that I wish I had in my heart before the breakdown. But God uses our suffering to His good...if it weren't for recent events, would I have delved into this study? Would I realize these truths? Would my heart be prepared to love as I have never loved before? Maybe - maybe not...

I only wish I could share this all with the man I love - the only unresolved hurt is the lack of contact from him. No calls, no emails for two weeks now. I hope he's OK. I pray for him every night and hope that he is finding the peace in his heart that I am discovering in mine. To let him know that our baby is healthy and growing and wiggly. To let him know that I know now what true love is supposed to look like and to realize where we fell short of that ideal. And to tell him that I forgive him for the pain and ask him for forgiveness as well.

Well - I guess that's all the naked honesty I have in my system for now. Until next week...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I got to SCRAP this weekend!

Man it feels good to have some creativity flowing out of me again - here are a few examples of my work for the past couple of weekends of cropping with Josie, the Christian Creativity group at church and Ashley! I'm so happy with all of the layouts!

Jackson's uniform for Bam Bam Baseball!
This one is going into JT's baby book..

The card Jackson made for me at preschool for Valentine's Day

Thursday, April 16, 2009

My Own Personal Warhammer

I am not a gamer - in fact, those of you who know me and my situations, know that the online game "Warhammer" was a major source of stress and problems in my to clarify this has nothing to do with the addiction/game but its my own personal warfare of a more spiritual nature.

I got led today to a Joyce Myers book called "Battlefield of the Mind" praying that it will help me tame the thoughts of self-worthlessness (if that is a word) that have been plaguing me and waking me up in the middle of the night. I read the first chapter in the car this afternoon and I want to use this space - as public as it may be - to help me chronicle this journey to spiritual health and track my own progress.

So today I'm starting my own Warhammer of the mind. Putting on the armor of faith and waging war against the keeps that have been set up in my mind that harbor my self doubt, my fears, my past disappointments, my insecurities - basically all of the things that I used to unconsciously drive Chad away and are keeping me veiled in this depression. Instead of fighting spider monsters or seven legged creatures in a virtual realm...I have to fight against the demons in my spiritual life.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Tricky business indeed but I have faith. I have a rare weapon on my side.

2 Corinthians 3-5 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient.

I never thought I'd be one for battle, but this is one I must win to be strong for my boys, for my business and friendships to thrive and to understand the meaning of the struggles that have been placed in my life. I only pray that my journey will help others discover where their true weaponry lies as well.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Yesterday I was...


OK, so maybe not exactly supermom but I was pretty darn productive and darn proud of myself for being that way.

I picked Jackson up from school and since it was a gorgeous day outside he got to play outside while I deep cleaned and reorganized the kitchen. Simultaneously, I taught him to use a fishing pole, swept and mopped the floor, kicked a soccer ball with him, disinfected the countertops, helped him dig for worms in the front yard, sorted through assorted papers laying around the kitchen, fed him dinner, switched out the laundry, gave him a bath while I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed the hallway, filled out rebate paperwork while watching AI with J and we both fell asleep at 9:30 exhausted but happy and snuggly.

So I am exhausted (!) today but walking into my sparkly kitchen this morning made it all worth it! Now all I need to tackle is the basement...a task I'm not looking forward to not because of what is down there but what is not...

Friday, April 10, 2009

The last day...

Today is the last day of my 20's. It's been quite a decade to be sure. I'm taking a little photo journal today: This is me and Jackson this morning. We snuggled a little extra long this morning and I got to savor him for just a few minutes without the craziness.

Work had a little party for me - lots of food and they decorated my workspace with streamers!

I'm heading out to do a little scrap shopping with Josie in a little bit and then cropping till I drop tonight! I can't think of a better way to send off the last 29 years and ring in the 30's!

Some of the highlights of my roaring twenties (in no particular order):

Met and reconnected with all of my most amazing friends both online and in real life.
Became a better daughter and friend.
Going to Europe for the first time - London, Paris, Germany, Vienna, Prague
Running the scoreboard animations for the Royals
Doing video and editing and writing for a National TV Show (The American Outdoorsman)
Travelled all over the US, (Chicago, Minnesota, Omaha, L.A., San Francisco, Tahoe, Reno, Las Vegas, Arizona, Florida (DisneyWorld!!), St. Louis, Dallas, Houston, Branson, Wisconsin Dells, Denver, Seattle, Salt Lake City and I'm sure more that I haven't even come up with yet...)
Learned to hold my liquor.
Attended games at 9 major league baseball parks (Royals, Cardinals, Astros, Dodgers, Giants, Angels, Twins, Cubs, White Sox)
Ran my own video production company
Seen Aerosmith live (6 times!!!), and many other live concerts!
Graduated from UMKC
Became a mother (twice)
Bought my first property
Learned the names of every engine on Thomas the Tank Engine
Lost my best friend
Became Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny
Rode an official OCC Chopper
Put my feet in both oceans
Fell in love (twice)
Had my heart broken (twice)
Have been in two major and one minor car accidents
Learned what it really means to be a true friend and a true Christian.
Became obsessed with scrapbooking
Got my P/C, Life and Health Series 6 and 63 licenses.
Started my own practice with MetLife.

I have had:
3 different apartments (Warwick, Village Park, Lenexa)
8 different vehicles (Cricket, Focus, Taurus, Magnum, Caravan, Ugly Car, VUE1 VUE2)
1 townhome
1 condo
1 house
3 cats (currently only 1)
1 child with one on the way...

What a full decade! I am so incredibly blessed. Thank you to all who have been a part of this journey I wouldn't be where I am right now without each and every one of you!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Counting My Blessings

A thankful heart is the best place to start. Today I am grateful for:

A God who loves me unconditionally
My family who has been by my side constantly
A little boy who sings songs about new baseball shoes and reminds me what true joy is all about
Saltine Crackers
Being employed in a job that I enjoy and having a chance to start with a fresh outlook on my business
FRIENDS that have rallied and commiserated and prayed for me.
Feeling my new little boy moving around inside of me.
Having a clean, cozy home to raise my family.
A chance for everyone to get themselves stable and prepared for what is coming this year.
A creative hobby that helps me save memories for my family.

God is good all.the.time. Just can't forget that.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A week I never want to repeat

But its over now. I now know exactly what I need to do and focus on to get better and move forward. Not just for my sake - but for the sake of my boys...that's right pural boys. The one good thing that came out of this whole experience is getting to see my new little man active and happy inside of me. THAT is what life is all about not the drama - not the accusations - but that little life - that little glimmer. That's my focus.

The only other good thing to come out of this week is the tremendous support that has flowed so freely from my friends and my amazing family. They have circled around me and supported me, let me cry on their shoulders, driven me to the doctors and called me from far away to check on me. I am truly blessed and I know that God is watching over me and my boys and will keep us safe no matter what.