Just Walk

Today has been one of "those days" starting off just fine with a happy smilely little boy, the sun peeking in through my bedroom window and filling my room with light but my whole body just ached, my head hurt and getting out of bed was the real struggle even though I knew Thursdays were essential to my business. So I successfully launched myself out of bed, got bathed while my son got himself dressed (without a fight I might add) and headed out the door...

Well, I made it as far as the intersection at Hubbel and Broadway before I had to pull over and add "Owner of Scary Trucker Motel" to my list of "People I get to Meet while Pulling Over to Get Sick." Yum. Needless to say - that didn't help the fatigue OR the headache, but still I plugged along through the first half of my day (amount of productivity yet to be determined).

Blessedly, lunch break came around and I went to my secret sleeping/reading place and instantly was out for a little over an hour! I woke up feeling better and spent the rest of my extended lunch break (since I stay late on Thursdays) reading "The Shack" and my lessons for the week, man that always makes me feel better...the things I read always have a way of lifting me up and making me shift my thinking just a little bit. So today here is what I got out of today's session.

We were made to be loved and when we forget that is when we fall. We are meant to walk together as a unit with no heirarchy, no superiority, no chain of command. We are called to walk, without questioning and trust that God will guide our path, it is when we take our eyes off His will that we start to sink - like Peter walking on the water.

I read that story again for the first time today wishing that I had the fortitude of faith to step out of the boat and onto the water in the first place but all I can do at this point is Just Walk. Take one step at a time and trust that the next one will have sure footing under it. (or at least that there will be someone to catch me if I slip and fall). I can't fear what the future will hold because anything that I dream up at this point is not real...at least not yet... I just have to trust and have faith that the next step that I take will be on the right path and not let myself take my eyes off of the goal.

Maybe that is why all of this is happening to me now - why I need to be alone - to discover these truths and use them to set things right. As I read, I come across so many things that I wish I had in my heart before the breakdown. But God uses our suffering to His good...if it weren't for recent events, would I have delved into this study? Would I realize these truths? Would my heart be prepared to love as I have never loved before? Maybe - maybe not...

I only wish I could share this all with the man I love - the only unresolved hurt is the lack of contact from him. No calls, no emails for two weeks now. I hope he's OK. I pray for him every night and hope that he is finding the peace in his heart that I am discovering in mine. To let him know that our baby is healthy and growing and wiggly. To let him know that I know now what true love is supposed to look like and to realize where we fell short of that ideal. And to tell him that I forgive him for the pain and ask him for forgiveness as well.

Well - I guess that's all the naked honesty I have in my system for now. Until next week...

I got to SCRAP this weekend!

Man it feels good to have some creativity flowing out of me again - here are a few examples of my work for the past couple of weekends of cropping with Josie, the Christian Creativity group at church and Ashley! I'm so happy with all of the layouts!

Jackson's uniform for Bam Bam Baseball!

This one is going into JT's baby book..

The card Jackson made for me at preschool for Valentine's Day

A week I never want to repeat

But its over now. I now know exactly what I need to do and focus on to get better and move forward. Not just for my sake - but for the sake of my boys...that's right pural boys. The one good thing that came out of this whole experience is getting to see my new little man active and happy inside of me. THAT is what life is all about not the drama - not the accusations - but that little life - that little glimmer. That's my focus.

The only other good thing to come out of this week is the tremendous support that has flowed so freely from my friends and my amazing family. They have circled around me and supported me, let me cry on their shoulders, driven me to the doctors and called me from far away to check on me. I am truly blessed and I know that God is watching over me and my boys and will keep us safe no matter what.

Late this week but...

'Tis the way when you are busy busy busy...I did pretty well on my goals for last week - I was pretty proud. The house is currently very clean and I feel like I was a really good mom and girlfriend.


It DEFINITELY helped to take time out every day to reflect, pray and focus my life. It's amazing how much a little perspective can do for you - I started off Wednesday spending an hour before I went into work, collecting my thoughts and finding a peaceful place and lo and behold, I spent the rest of the day busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. Good things on the horizon and none too soon either! My business needed that kick in the tail in a BIG way!

I've also come to the shocking realization that in a mere two weeks I will be turning 30!!! It's not that the milestone disturbs me or anything its just one of those things that slips by you and then sneaks up, sheesh.

Meanwhile while life has been marching on - look what made an appearance...a little bump...(no not the one on the backside) thanks to Ashley for taking the photo for me...crazy right? Only 5 weeks from today we find out what is cookin' in there. I still believe that it's Isabella Mary but I'm practicing my reaction just in case there are boy parts in there again, yes I will love it no matter what but I haven't talked to anyone yet who doesn't believe that there is a girl in our future. April 30th we shall find out - and believe me - you all will be the first to know!


I'm so glad its Friday. Tonight we take off for Bettendorf for the weekend with my mom and dad and Jackson. I get to see some friends that I haven't seen in a long time and Jackson gets to spend all weekend getting pruney in the pool. It'll be nice to get away a little bit - read my book, eat some good food and spend time with good friends. Oh yes - there will be photos!!!


Until next week!

Can I whine for just a cotton pickin' minute?

I'm sorry for this completely self serving pity party post but - I tell you what this has just been a week from hell and I need to get it off my chest for a sec.


but first....our baby's first photo...photogenic already isn't she?


Let's just start with Monday morning - the bane of my existance anyway (well except for Thursdays but that's a whole different can of worms...) 4:00 AM...a rude awakening of my little boy crying because he threw up in his room. Mind you I can count on one hand how many times he's actually done that so I call in and call him into preschool when, lo and behold, the big kid gets sick too. YAY!

I have an OB appointment in the afternoon where I get to do a glucose tolerance test - for those who don't know this means I have to go have a completely empty stomach - nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours prior except for a sugary glucose drink one hour before I go in. So I leave my crabby boys alone together to go in and take this test - which I presently fail by 7 points and have to be scheduled for a THREE hour exam on Thursday. I get reprimanded by the doc for LOSING 9 pounds in my first trimester but get to hear baby's heart beat (160).

That night - after I put Jackson to bed. I start getting sick. Fabulous. Spent all day Tuesday going between bed - the bathroom - and the sofa...yuck. Seriously....YUCK.

Wednesday I haul myself into the office - check on our tax return and - without going into too much detail - get screwed in that regard - have lunch with a friend which did not settle well and very wisely decide not to go back to work for the afternoon.

So today was the big three hour test - for those not familiar with a three hour test let me explain. You go in 12 hours fasting which means I couldn't eat anything after 8:30PM Wednesday night. I hauled into the "draw center" this morning where they proceed to take two vials of blood out of my arm and send it to get a baseline. I'm then sent to sit in a freezing cold waiting area for an hour before the tech comes out and gives me the ever so yummy glucose drink. I then find out that there is a waiting area on the second floor that is very warm...I go there with my book for another hour then get ANOTHER vial of blood taken. (still no food). Wait another hour in warm sunny waiting room for ANOTHER vial of blood to come out(...that's right still no food...). Finally get really into my book when its time for the fourth and final blood draw and then am released by the vampire queen to go about my day.

Shaky and woosy I find myself at the Burger King across the street consuming my body weight's worth of chicken fries and a large Coke after which I felt much better and went to collect a receipt from a client and felt MUCH better. Upon arrival at the office my secretary passes me four notes from a client needing immediate assistance. I save that account after some time but have so far pulled out a big ZERO for appointments this week between illness and cancellations which does not look pretty on a paycheck...

By my clock it's 5:10. Time to start calling to drum up some appointments. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me to get some quality appointments next week and some business in my hopper. It can only go up from here RIGHT?