Today has been one of "those days" starting off just fine with a happy smilely little boy, the sun peeking in through my bedroom window and filling my room with light but my whole body just ached, my head hurt and getting out of bed was the real struggle even though I knew Thursdays were essential to my business. So I successfully launched myself out of bed, got bathed while my son got himself dressed (without a fight I might add) and headed out the door...Well, I made it as far as the intersection at Hubbel and Broadway before I had to pull over and add "Owner of Scary Trucker Motel" to my list of "People I get to Meet while Pulling Over to Get Sick." Yum. Needless to say - that didn't help the fatigue OR the headache, but still I plugged along through the first half of my day (amount of productivity yet to be determined).
Blessedly, lunch break came around and I went to my secret sleeping/reading place and instantly was out for a little over an hour! I woke up feeling better and spent the rest of my extended lunch break (since I stay late on Thursdays) reading "The Shack" and my lessons for the week, man that always makes me feel better...the things I read always have a way of lifting me up and making me shift my thinking just a little bit. So today here is what I got out of today's session.
We were made to be loved and when we forget that is when we fall. We are meant to walk together as a unit with no heirarchy, no superiority, no chain of command. We are called to walk, without questioning and trust that God will guide our path, it is when we take our eyes off His will that we start to sink - like Peter walking on the water.
I read that story again for the first time today wishing that I had the fortitude of faith to step out of the boat and onto the water in the first place but all I can do at this point is Just Walk. Take one step at a time and trust that the next one will have sure footing under it. (or at least that there will be someone to catch me if I slip and fall). I can't fear what the future will hold because anything that I dream up at this point is not real...at least not yet... I just have to trust and have faith that the next step that I take will be on the right path and not let myself take my eyes off of the goal.
Maybe that is why all of this is happening to me now - why I need to be alone - to discover these truths and use them to set things right. As I read, I come across so many things that I wish I had in my heart before the breakdown. But God uses our suffering to His good...if it weren't for recent events, would I have delved into this study? Would I realize these truths? Would my heart be prepared to love as I have never loved before? Maybe - maybe not...
I only wish I could share this all with the man I love - the only unresolved hurt is the lack of contact from him. No calls, no emails for two weeks now. I hope he's OK. I pray for him every night and hope that he is finding the peace in his heart that I am discovering in mine. To let him know that our baby is healthy and growing and wiggly. To let him know that I know now what true love is supposed to look like and to realize where we fell short of that ideal. And to tell him that I forgive him for the pain and ask him for forgiveness as well.
Well - I guess that's all the naked honesty I have in my system for now. Until next week...
